Bacheloretting

Ms. K and the girls have been putting their heads together to think up some sort of bachelorette party scheme. Upon consultation with me, the idea of going to a drag review has been more or less settled upon.

Why do brides and drag queens go together? Because they are both about hyped and jacked-up femininity. Frankly, I love drag queens. I think they serve a very useful purpose to womankind; they de-essentialize femininity. If a man can come off as more feminine than any 'natural born' woman, then it just goes to show that femininity is not about some inherent biological quality, but about cultural trappings. As far as I'm concerned, that relieves the pressure. So what if I can't undulate doing Nia like the other girls (although, I have to say, I do it better than a lot of them)? It's really no reflection on the degree to which I am a "real" woman, clearly.

Of course, if I really want to be stereotypically feminine, me and my gal friends will all dress up in bedazzled t-shirts indicating our roles in the bridal party (mine will say: "the Future Mrs. Munoz" or "Property of David"), and we'll go out, get tight and kick about the streets yelling "woo HOO!" out in high-pitched gurly voices.

Ms. K and I considered that for a moment, then moved on to drag queens.

Just looking for reasons to play with the guurls

After the wedding fest is all said and done, it doesn't have to end there. At that point, I can start looking forward to the divorce and yet another opportunity to plan a big, fun spree.

Or so this article in a peculiarly narrowcasted magazine called Girlfriend Getaways suggests:

"Til Death Do Us Party"

Heck, there's even a kitsch industry just for this niche market complete with services that can turn a picture of your ex into a cutting board, and wedding ring coffins from online retailer, WeddingRingCoffin.com.

"I was just so beyond excited to get divorced," gushes Andrea, an L.A. publicist, to GG. She went with a "princess theme" bash, handed out rhinestone tiaras to all her guests (guurlfriends, presumably), and they spent the evening giving "each other facials" (yes, that's what it said), playing guurl games like "Girl Talk" (also comes in a Hannah Montana version), and eating chocolate off of pink Cinderella plates.

Suddenly, sitting here typing this out, I'm overwhelmed with a great longing for the days of "angry feminist" sisterhood and grim consciousness raising sessions. All this over the top, kitsched-out celebration of guurliness is beginning to grow tiresome. Women are more fun when they're intelligently pissed, in my opinion. All that gleeful screaming in the Sex and the City movie curbed my appetite for certain types of camaraderie with the girls for a while, and my self-imposed exposure to the fluffy, pink exuberance of the guurlfriend-industrial complex is threatening to turn me into a misogynist.

But never mind guurlicious divorce parties. There's plenty of screamy guurl festivities to be had before the Big Day that leads to the other Big Day of the glittery, pink-frosting divorce bender. Browsing through the retail site BachloretteSuperstore.com (warning: may contain photos of cupcake and inflatable phalluses), I see I am supposed to have a pre-wedding party (or several) during which I get together with all my guurlfriends dressed in clothing that identifies me as the groom's possession...

...and my friends by their wedding party honorifics.

I can go with the fluffy Pretty in Pink theme, for which I can get an entire package of goodies and favors...

...or go the Oh So Naughty route.

.

And me and the guurls can snap each others' pictures with special throw-away cams festooned with photographs of other guurls having the appropriate fun, so we know just what we should be doing at this little shindig.

(must be sure to get one of someone whispering in my ear)

All that horror aside, I have been contemplating making my own wedding cake out of cupcakes, and having a little cupcake festooning get together with friends in place of the standard shower or Naughty But Nice themed bachelorette party.

First things first, though; we need to come up with some kind of date for this grand affair. People are getting restless. Apparently those who might want to be present have lives and plans of their own, and the Bride must not start to think like a "Bridezilla," operating under the delusion that the world is at her beckoning.