No more pears

I think the "perfect pair" wedding decor and favor theme is as done as chocolate fountains. I guess that's why they're having a big sale on "perfect pair" candles over at TheKnot.

Where are the men?

Weddings are about women. Here's proof enough; the Rose City Bridal Showcase will be held in October the same weekend as the 16th Annual Northwest Women's Show (?). Both will be held in the Oregon Convention Center, and on the Bridal Showcase page, they pitch the other with the line: "Two great women's events all in one location."

Men are truly secondary to the whole concept of the wedding, even though one would think they would feature fairly prominently. They feature, to be sure, but the marketing of the Wedding Industrial Complex treats them as just so much decoration along with the flowers and the cake and the cute Chinese take-away boxes personalized with the Happy Couple's names filled with meaningless party favors. It's a wonder those sites don't have groom vendors through which one can procure the requisite Dream Boat. No, that's one part of the wedding schtick that's still DIY, although I have to note that no small number of "wedding stories" featured on sites like The Knot and The Wedding Channel and OneWed and Martha Stewart Weddings start with something along the lines of, "They met on Match.com..." I need to start bookmarking those when I run across them. They're positively mundane. Thank goodness I was at least a little bit original and scored my groom on Craig's List.

Of course, Jerry Seinfeld perfectly captured the seemingly throw-away quality of the groom in the wedding party when he commented upon the groom and groomsmen in their matching penguin outfits; it's a safety measure. If the groom poops out, the next one down the line steps to the left and takes his spot.

Men are a requirement -- in the standard heterosexual wedding, at least -- but the wedding industry seems to suggest that women can send the boys out to play while we arrange the whole thing, with ourselves as the celebrated centerpiece. Here's an example from the WeddingChannel.com:

"Denise had always wanted to have an intimate home wedding filled with fun and memorable moments, and a spectacular decor... . When it came to plan [sic] her wedding, Denise went for the wedding of her dreams and a chance to fill [sic] like a true princess. On her wedding day she and her father arrived to [sic] the ceremony in a traditional horse-drawn Cinderella carriage decorated with beautiful red roses to the sound of a solo trumpet...."

Where was the groom during all this trumpeted hoopla? Oh, you know, just hanging around waiting to see if his presence might be required at some point.

Well, I'll give David a somewhat bigger "role" to play, although we're not really wanting much in the way of role playing at the event, itself. But see... note that it's up to me to give him any kind of role at all. (I'll consider myself fairly successful at enlisting his involvement if he even just gives me a list of people he might want invited.) That said, he actually wants a public signing of the contract, as it were. I'd be all for skulking off in private before the guests arrive to get the actual marriage bit of it out of the way, but David's up for a more public merger in front of the assembled masses.

Speaking of all that, we had thought July 11 next summer might be a likely date, but we do have other possibilities we're tossing around. On the purple sidebar you will find another poll with possible dates. Do give us some feedback by picking any that would work for you.

Parties and Their Favors

Beyond a nine year old's birthday party, I'm not sure I get the fascination with party favors. I suppose when there is a gift exchange involved, which there frequently is at a wedding, it's not totally nonsensical. It's a reciprocity thing, wrapped up into the feasting that you lavish on your guests. They bring you prezzies and provide an audience so you feel like what you're doing is really important in the grand scheme of things, and you give them food, drink, and matchbooks with your name on them in ornate silver lettering.

Poking around the "blogosphere" today, I did a search for "bitching brides," hoping to find examples of nuptial grousing about the process, still on something of a 'bridal disasters and tantrums' kick. As it happens, there is a team blog called exactly that: "Bitching Brides." All told, it's really not that interesting, but that may just be because it seems to be a recent addition to the Land 'o Blogs. There is one reference to the doubtful wisdom of having a "chocolate fountain" in your wedding buffet when your bridal party includes six flower girls. Never mind the obvious imagery. Who does chocolate fountains anymore? And six flower girls? Isn't there a point when you are 'low' enough down in the social hierarchy that this sort of ostentation starts to smell like posing? It seems that anything ranking below a baronet should probably tone it down with the petal stewing cherubim. Three tops, people.

Anyway, what did catch my eye somewhat more profoundly -- if one can call it that -- in this Bitching Brides blog was a post by a woman who made her own bath salt party favors. She mixed up the blue-dyed ingredients, put them into glass soda bottles with tight fitting caps, and labeled them with a picture of her and her groom. Bath salts? Okay, whatever, as they say, but here's the thing; her concoction was a mixture of Epsom salts, bright blue dye, scented oil and baking soda, and the containers were airtight. Before too many days, this Molotov mixture was going off all over town and beyond in the homes of her guests. I would consider exploding party favors a portent. Mount St. Helen's blew her top the morning after my first wedding. Whatever happens, if any sort of explosions are associated with this next one, I'm going to stew.

Speaking of parties, today is this groom's 50th birthday. ¡Feliz cumpleaños, Senor Peligroso!

Succombing to the latest fad

I'm foregoing the pink princess parties and the "Love Beyond Measure" souvenir measuring spoons given out as wedding party favors; I am doing no walking down any aisle to be given away by my poor father, who has already given me away once, only to find me bouncing back like a particular bad gift in a white elephant gift-giving circle; I won't be enveloping myself in several thousand yards of polyester Priscilla of Boston; I will not force my to-be husband into an ill-fitting, rented tux, nor my dearest female friends and relations into taffeta dresses with big bows adorning their backsides; I won't wear any kind of veil, and I will have nothing to do with birds' nests; I won't fill tiny little boxes with jelly beans or Sweet Hearts to pass out as party favors; I won't have a line of trumpet players from the local high school band blare out All You Need Is Love to signal the end of the marriage rites.

In short, I am foregoing many trends, old and new, that the wedding magazine industry plugs and repackages and replugs.

However, I am (we are) going to succumb to one early 21st century trend and marker of stylish weddings; we've decided to do it green, or at least as green as possible, short of growing our own food for the party. This means recycled paper for the invites, figuring out a location that is closest to the bulk of the invited, local ingredients for foods as much as possible, locally grown flowers, no standard disposable plates and such, and, finally, buying carbon offsets for the whole affair and having that be our "party favor" to our guests so they don't feel [too] guilty about using the resources to come.

As for that latter, the purchasing of carbon offsets looks to me like a rip-off racket opportunity of magnificent proportions, so if any of you know of truly reputable organizations in the offset business, let me know. One I've checked out, terrapass.com -- which even has a calculator for determining what your wedding's footprint is, including guests' travel -- seems interesting but one can never be too sure.

I almost feel embarrassed about doing all this, because the 'green wedding' is treated as such a trendy trend, the latest thing all the kidz are doing (that and birds' nests), as brought to you by Martha Stewart. That said, it's a fad that strikes me as unusually sensible. So there you are.

I will not, however, under any circumstances, wear a dress made from hemp fiber, nor will David wear the ganja suit, either. Nope.